43- A Playlist
I’ll be 43 tomorrow so tearing a page from my friend Josh Clifton’s playbook I’ve made a birthday playlist of 43 songs that defined this past year for me. You’re welcome to stream it at this link if you’d like (sorry, I only have Spotify). If you do feel like listening to it, I think it works just as well being played on shuffle as it does played straight through, though there are a lot of genre jumps and all that.
And, if you are interested, here’s the tracklist w/ some brief explanations for why I included some songs and what they mean to me:
1. “Change” by Big Thief
From moving out of the only home our family has ever known, to leaving a cherished job of 16 years, to saying goodbye to a wonderful person who has been a constant source of love and support, this has certainly been a year of change. This song here by Big Thief helps me feel that though change is a hard thing, it’s also natural, and, maybe, that means everything will be alright.
2. “Young in My Head” by Starflyer 59
You get it.
3. “6L GTR” by The Chats
This song marks a very special moment in mine and Ezra’s relationship as father and son.
Because, for 14 years, (I’d like to think) I’ve been a driving force behind shaping Ezra’s taste in music, always showing him bands he may like, gravitating towards the heavier/faster stuff because that what he seems to like the most. But that started to change this spring when I came out to the garage and heard Ezra listening to a band I’d never heard before. It was a proud moment to ask him, “Hey, who is this?” and for him to say, “What? You’ve never heard of the Chats before?”
4. “Breathing the Same Air” by PeteyUSA
A good song about good buds who just show up for each other without having to say anything.
5. “Once in a Lifetime” by Talking Heads
This song came out in January 1981, a year and eight months before I was born, but since it probably took at least that long to catch on in southern Illinois, we’ll count this song as the one on the playlist that represents the year I was born.
6. “Losing My Edge” by LCD Soundsystem
I don’t know that I’ve ever really had an edge on anyone or anything. For years though I’ve went to shows in Carbondale and felt like I fit in just fine, “How do you do, fellow kids?” and all that, but within the last couple of years, that’s finally changed. Now when I go out, I feel like just the oldest dude that ever lived, which, now, I’m also painfully aware that this change actually happened way before I ever realized it. So, this song about a guy who is just bragging about all his cool points of reference that no one even cares about anymore, him just shouting into the void of his waning relevance, realizing now that he was never that cool, that no one ever cared now or in the first place, that’s deeply relatable.
7. “Birds” by Turnstile
Like I mentioned earlier, Ezra and I have been bonding over music for years. Turnstile is the first band that Ezra has ever loved, which makes me love them that much more too. It started back in 2021 when I kept playing Glow On while driving the family around, not thinking much of it, but Ezra (and Eli too) started requesting I play it more often. Since then, Turnstile has been Ezra’s go to band when he’s mowing or working in the garage or doing anything. Over the past three or four years, he’s wore out their entire discography while waiting for them to put out new music. So when Turnstile finally announced that their follow-up album, Never Enough, was coming out this summer, Ezra and I talked about it for months leading up to the release. The day it came out, southern Illinois was awash in a torrential downpour, but Ezra and I threw this album on as we drove around Benton looking for yard sales. It was so cool to talk about this new album with Ezra and experience with him the feeling you get when a band you’ve loved for years finally puts out new music and you’re not so sure at first if you like the new direction they’ve taken or not. For what it’s worth, after initially being disappointed, Ezra has come around on Never Enough and this is his favorite song from it.
8. “Steel Spine” by Locked Shut
If we were to travel back in time twenty years ago to a certain checker-floored, all ages music venue located in Herrin, Illinois, there I would be on most any given night, with my arms crossed watching some crappy local hardcore band or another, seeing kids go nuts, two-stepping, wailing all over each other, and I’m just standing there, waiting until my band goes up so we can (poorly) cover “Table for Glasses” by Jimmy Eat World. Anyways, now here I am, twenty years later, and I finally get it. Kind of, at least. Locked Shut. Something-Something-Kentucky. Midwest Hardcore.
9. “Dream House” by Deafheaven
I’ve been working on a new novel for the last two or so years and this song is on the playlist that I listen to while I’m writing it. It’s also on my run playlist and whenever it comes up, I always find myself starting to run so fast (that is to say, running so fast for me, a middle-aged, kinda thick guy). I don’t know what this dude is screaming about but it’s provocative. Whether it’s running or writing, this song just gets me going.
10. “9:27am, 7/29 (live version)” by mewithoutyou
“Better luck next time.”
11. “Thought You Were Waving” by Militarie Gun
12. “You Ominously End” by Arm’s Length
Two good songs by new-ish emo/punk bands (see, I’m not losing my edge!), but, anyways, both these songs serve as reminders to always show up for the ones you love most, sometimes your friends/family aren’t waving, they’re drowning.
13. “Virtute the Cat Explains Her Departure” by the Weakerthans
On a rainy evening in late May, our family cat Chevy went missing from our new house. For the days/weeks that followed, we drove and walked all around our neighborhood calling for him, but he was nowhere to be found. The pain was apparent in Eli and Ezra’s voice as they called out for Chevy, and it broke my heart. I learned this song on guitar back then, but I only ever played it for myself as it often got me all choked up. Then, in early August, the week the boys were going to say their last goodbye to their Nana, Chevy showed back up on the street in front of our new house, looking haggard and much worse for the wear, yet still remembering the sound that we found for him.
14. “Inland Ocean” by Matt Berninger
Everything ends before I want it to.
15. “Making the Most of It” by Pedro the Lion
Sorry that we’re getting to a sadder stretch of songs right here, but this past year has been one of the hardest I’ve ever experienced for a number of reasons. One of the most difficult parts was seeing the hard year reflected in the eyes of Stacy, Ezra, Eli, and, even sometimes, Ewan. This song became a personal mantra for me, along with a phrase that Stacy and I often told the boys, “we’re going to make the most of it, the most of this time no matter what.”
16. “Marigold” by Why?
17. “Let It Storm” by Manchester Orchestra
Sometimes that compounding dark cloud looms overhead for so long that you honestly think you’ll be ready and prepared when it finally unleashes hell, but you never are.
18. “Death With Dignity” by Sufjan Stevens
.
19. “Hummingbird” by Wilco
One of my favorite things when sitting by Diane’s bedside was to watch for hummingbirds out the window with her. They’d zip in and out so fast, you really had to watch, or you’d miss them entirely. I used to think they were peaceful creatures, but Diane told me they’re actually quite territorial and protective. I told her then that she reminded me of a hummingbird, so small and sweet seeming, but actually quite protective and mighty when it comes to her loved ones. That made her smile. Now that Diane is gone, I still keep a look out for the hummingbirds like I try to do with all reminders of her. I worry if I’m not looking, I’ll miss all the good things entirely.
“Remember to remember me, standing still in your past, floating fast like a hummingbird.”
20. “There Is A Ledger” by Wild Pink
“I believe that there’s a ledger somewhere, somewhere the days go…
yeah, I hope we find peace.”
21. “Waterslides” by The Cedar Shakes
Last November, my good friend Jon Raby put out his excellent solo album entitled “Each Dark, Each Light.” Though it feels so long ago now, the night we celebrated his album release back in early November was one of my favorite nights of my entire 43rd year of life. One of the coolest things about Jon’s album are these little instrumentals he includes throughout, so I’m including my favorite to transition to the next part of the playlist.
22. “Wacced Out Murals” by Kendrick Lamar
I stepped down from my job as Executive Director at Night’s Shield at the end of March. It was a really hard thing at first. I was incredibly sad about leaving a job that I loved so much, one that always made me feel so proud of everything we accomplished. But then over the next couple of weeks, something else began to take place, despite everything else happening in our lives, I began to feel freer and like my future was more open than it had really felt since I was in high school or early college. Whenever I drove out to pick up food, or get the boys from school, or make a pharmacy run, I found myself listening more to hip-hop and rap, the kind of music I pretty much exclusively listened to back when I felt freer and like the future was wide-open. For most this year, I’ve wore out Kendrick Lamar’s latest album, GNX, this song is the first track so I’ve easily heard it the most, but I still love when the beat comes back in right after the line, “Riding in my GNX with Anita Baker on the tape deck.” Listen, I know it’s not fun to read a middle-aged white guy talking about hip-hop, but you still can’t deny, that part rules.
23. “P.O.V.” by Clipse with Tyler, the Creator
Probably my favorite song that came out this year, but, yes, much like Michael Bolton (not the one who sucks) in Office Space, I still turn it down when I pull up to a traffic light.
24. “Little Homies” by Vince Staples
Most platitudes like “Life’s hard, but I go harder” can come off sounding like empty dude-bro cliches, but here, in this song, that’s definitely not the case.
25. “True Believer” by Hayley Williams
This song follows up the trio of hip-hop songs because lyrically this song hits on nearly every line, every bar, much like the previous three tracks.
26. “That Funny Feeling” by Phoebe Bridgers
Our generation’s “We Didn’t Start the Fire,” or whatever have you. A song that sums up the absurdity of now in a way that allows you to both laugh and commiserate.
27. “Do Do Do” by Nathan K
Back in May, I played a very sparsely attended show with Nathan K. at Gambit Coffee as a tornado tore through the south of Marion. Despite no one really being there, we played our songs for each other and it ended up being a pretty lovely show. Since then, this song by Nathan K comes to mind from time to time, because in less than 120 seconds he accurately sums up two decades of playing shows and making friends. “Sick set, my dude.”
28. “Engine” by Slaughter Beach, Dog
Although I talked about feeling freer and the future being wide open blah blah blah up there, during a lot of times this year, my family and I also felt landlocked and cornered in. This song by Slaughter Beach, Dog helps because it feels like a road trip. It’s a steady groove that keeps building and going, a song that you can put on and just let your mind wander through memories of youth and misdirection, laughing with friends, the future unfurling before you like an open road winding through the desert.
29. “I Don’t Like Who I Was Then (Burst & Decay Version)” by The Wonder Years
I usually don’t have to let my mind wander too long through my past before I come up on some times that I’m less than proud of. In those cases, this song title nails it. The process of growing up and learning from past mistakes is a continual effort, one that will probably never end and I’m more than okay with that.
30. “*Equips Sunglasses*” by Hot Mulligan
This song probably wins the award for the one that has gotten stuck in my head the most this past year. Hot Mulligan represent this continued trend of newer emo bands kinda coming back around to Warped Tour type aesthetics/sounds of 20 years ago, yet it also seems new and fresh. How do you do, fellow kids?
31. “Young Offenders” by Spiritual Cramp
A good mood song that makes me feel cool.
32. “A Band Astride Clouds” by Weatherbox
A new song from Weatherbox doesn’t need to do anything other than exist for me to be happy, but luckily this one also rips.
33. “Goin’ Against Your Mind” by Built to Spill
A most righteous jam if ever there was one.
34. “This Movie Sucks” by Durry
Ravenhill once did a run of shows with Austin Durry’s first band, Marah in the Mainsail, back in summer 2013, so it has been really cool to see Austin’s new band, Durry, blow up over the past couple of years. This song is the title track from Durry’s new album that came out this summer. It’s a deeply relatable song that also gets stuck in my head for days.
35. “Relatively Easy” by Jason Isbell
An evergreen, all-timer song, one that always provides fresh perspective no matter how many times I listen to it. An anecdote to those days when you’re getting lost in feeling sorry for yourself.
36. “Everyday Magic” by My Morning Jacket
This summer I got to stay home with my kids every day, which was truly so special. So many long afternoons were spent pushing them on the swings in the backyard, or jumping on the trampoline in the evenings, or riding the go-kart, or fixing the go-kart with Ezra when it would inevitably break, or watching Eli and Ewan play in the small little pool I’d drag out to the backyard and fill. Anyways, you get it, this song sums up the feeling I felt on those days.
37. “Feather” by Dan Reeder
A good short song that always makes me stop and listen and that always makes me want to write a good little short song like this one, but I haven’t done it yet.
38. “We’re Only People (And There’s Not Much Anyone Can Do About That)” by Father John Misty
With the title alone, FJM sums up what I try to remind myself all the time whenever I get upset, frustrated, confused, or hurt by other people and the things they say/do. We’re all just people, man, we all just got here, and there’s not much any of us can do about that. But even that sentiment aside, I also really love the lines: “Friends, oh my friends, I hope you’re somewhere smiling, just know I think about you more kindly than you and I have ever been.” Because that’s also how I feel too.
39. “I Love You” by Fontaines D.C.
A cool groove of a song that I like to listen to when I’m driving. Now, do I know what this song is about? No, I do not. I know they repeat I love you a lot, I like that part because I can easily sing along with it. Then near the end there’s a lot of other words that don’t really seem like they go along with I love you, but I like that part too. Makes me think about our country probably. I don’t know. I always try to shout along with all those words at the end, but I never get it right. It’s a cool song.
40. “New Order T-Shirt (Live in Rome)” by the National
A love song that always makes me think of Stacy for a bunch of reasons. But here’s one in particular, there’s this lyric that goes: “You in a Kentucky aquarium, talking to a shark in a corner.” And it calls to mind this really sweet memory I have of Stacy, of this time when we took the boys to the St. Louis aquarium three or so years ago. Near the end, we passed by the squid in its glass enclosure. Stacy and I told Eli how smart squids were, how they might be smarter than us, how on second thought, they probably are. Eli asked a couple more questions and I saw the sadness dawn on Stacy then, but I couldn’t clock why. The boys and I moved on to another exhibit and when I looked back, Stacy was talking to the squid really sweetly, that she hoped it was happy and okay there. That’s a small snapshot memory that I think sums up Stacy well. It’s one of a million reasons why I love her so much.
41. “Going Going Gone” by Lucy Dacus
As a kid the innocent days seemed to pass so slowly and then they did all at once. Before I knew it, they were gone forever to never return. As a parent I see it happening and I try really hard to hold onto all of it, but still I know it won’t be long before it’s going, going, gone.
42. “On and On and On” by Wilco
If there was ever any doubt that a 43-yr old man put together this playlist, here’s a second song by Wilco. This song feels like a prayer, a promise, an eternal mantra, to Stacy, to my family that on and on and on, no matter what happens, no matter what life brings, I’m going to be there for them as long as I can be.
43. “Real House (Live)” by Adrianne Lenker
This song never fails to move me. When I listen to this song, I see myself through all the different phases of my life. I feel the innocence of childhood again. I feel the magic, the fear, the spins. I feel glimpses of my mom again. All these memories. Yet, I also feel all that as I am right now. I see who I am through the eyes of my children. Then, most the time, I cry. So, I guess if you read all this, just do yourself a favor and listen to this song if nothing else. It’s my favorite.